


How to Deal with Males: A Guide by Izumi Tachibana

by Enllyn



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Cats, Crack, Gen, M/M, Maybe OOC, vaguely described hisohoma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:26:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27558316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enllyn/pseuds/Enllyn
Summary: Contents:- Preface- How to Reach Your Personal Goals- How to Deal with Scientific Irregularities- How to Deal with Relationships- How to Deal with Cats- How to Deal with Emotions- How to Deal with Kidnapping- Afterword
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69





	How to Deal with Males: A Guide by Izumi Tachibana

**Author's Note:**

> This is not meant to be taken seriously. I was aiming for a parody of a cross between ‘a guide to a specific species’ and ’15 ways to tell a man is into you’.
> 
> Thanks to Dan for the first footnote, even though she doesn't even play A3.

To my mother, who raised me all alone  
and my father, who never picked up the phone

~~~

Preface

For the last few years, I have spent the majority of my time living in a house full of Males of varying ages. The youngest was a middle school student not long ago, while the oldest is… frankly, of an unknown age. I believe him to be nearing forty at the least, but it is impossible to tell as his skin is impeccable. Of course, every Male one meets in their life will be different, but hopefully this collection of my personal experiences will be able to aid those who are struggling in some way.

~~~

How to Reach Your Personal Goals:

I strongly advise against forcing Males to do things for you. Even if you are desperate, the desire to perform that action needs to come from within them. Find out what you have to offer that they would be able to enjoy. For example, if they are homeless, bring up how you are able to provide room and board for them. If they wish to fight their rival, that is also allowable, as long as they do not cause any property damage.

You may find out that a Male was not telling you the truth from the beginning. Do not fret. Even if it turns out that he had actually come to exact revenge on his biologically unrelated brother in retaliation for said brother killing a man which he did not, it does not matter, because he is already part of the family.

~~~

How to Deal with Scientific Irregularities:

There may be times in which you encounter a Male so odd, so otherworldly*1, that you question whether he is truly human. It will eat away at your mind, as you ponder over why he seems to be unaffected by gravity, or by language barriers between species. The truth is the only way to prevent yourself from falling into a cycle of confusion is to simply let go of the questioning. Be free, as he is.

*1 It is possible that this Male is, in fact, actually not from this world. Do not worry, for such events while rare are not unheard of. Just accept it and move on.

~~~

How to Deal with Relationships:

In the event that two Males enter into a relationship of sorts, I do not recommend interfering, or allowing them to be aware that you are watching them. This may make them more self-conscious of the way they behave around each other, which would defeat the purpose of observing them at all. As one of the youngest Males likes to say, it is best to allow their relationship to bloom naturally.

If an overly extravagant wedding is planned, do not be surprised if the cake is the texture of marshmallows. The local baker may have specifically created it for the event, even if many will find it too sweet to consume. It is not a crime to move the silk roses that adorn every surface, for neither groom will be too concerned with their exact placement, as long as there are exactly two hundred and five within the venue. Do not be alarmed by the inclusion of naptime in the itinerary, it is absolutely necessary to prevent the event from ending prematurely due to one groom falling asleep halfway through the other’s vows.

~~~

How to Deal with Cats:

Cats are appreciated for many traits - the soft fur, the sweet faces, the general cuteness they exude… - but can be difficult to handle in large groups. They do not care for your rules, and will simply do as they please. Should you find an overwhelmingly large number of cats within your house, do not hesitate to call for assistance from a cat-like Male. He may be able to communicate with them and instruct them to leave in an orderly fashion.

If you are unable to find him, it is possible that he is sleeping in an inaccessible area. Do not attempt to retrieve him from behind the three metre-high fence, as you may get arrested for breaking and entering a restricted area. In this situation, throw catnip outside of your living quarters. This will remove most of the cats, and may cause the cat-like Male to return as well.

In the case that you find a pile of sleeping cats*2 in the courtyard, do not try to move any of them.

*2 If the cat-like Male is among them, do not attempt to move him either.

~~~

How to Deal with Emotions:

As there are many kinds of emotions, this section will miss many potential pitfalls. I apologise in advance for that.

Should a Male be raised to believe that he is not human and cannot feel emotions, it is extremely difficult to convince him otherwise. He needs to come to the conclusion himself that he is, in fact, sleeping, and not having his storage defragmented. It will be a long process of self-discovery, but he will eventually be able to smile.

There are also Males who show minimal emotion regarding everyday things. He may come across as stoic and unapproachable, but he is really just picking out the right words to say. If he is not given time to think, it is likely that he will merely ask if you wish to join the soccer team. However, there _are_ specific circumstances under which he will become enthusiastic and passionate, and those will be the longest conversations you will be able to conduct with him.

It is fairly common to encounter Males whose actions and feelings do not match up. You may hear them cursing at each other aggressively while baking, only to find them happily feeding each other sweets later in the day. You were probably not supposed to see it, so you should refrain from bringing it up in the future. They will both vehemently deny that they were able to willingly spend so long in each other’s presence.

~~~

How to Deal with Kidnapping:

If you are kidnapped by a Male, remain calm at all times. The kidnapping may be an intimidation tactic or an attempt to use you as bait, or both. The most important thing is to keep your goal in mind at all times. For example, if he is going to be a key figure in an upcoming event, ensure that he is fully aware of his role and remembers exactly what to say and do. That way, if the event is carried out after the kidnapping incident is over, he will still be prepared for it.

On the other hand, if a Male within your household is kidnapped, several things may have occurred. Regardless of what has happened, the next step is to rescue him through any means necessary. Even if you have to equip the oddly large number of delinquents within your household with animal mascot heads, or if you have to immediately book a flight out of the country, do it. No exceptions.

~~~

Afterword

Tachibana wrote this as a diary of sorts when dealing with, or may I say raising, the hellions around this place. I told her not to publish such an odd piece of literature, even if Arisugawa called it ‘a masterpiece comparable to (his) own’. But since she has chosen to put it out there against my advice, I can only hope that it was useful to you.

Sakyo Furuichi


End file.
